As I have mentioned in previous posts, I am a contributor at Just Out, the lovely gay newspaper here in Portland. They asked me to start writing a fashion column several months back. Recently I was asked by them to attend the Q Center's annual Winter Gala and write a fashion review of the event. It all sounded like fun, so I said sure. I was advised beforehand to not be too mean or specific, to which I figured no problem. Unlike many other columnists/bloggers/people who type out their opinions, I don't trade in mean. I like humor and sarcasm sure, but I never want to be mean.
Well, unfortunately Just Out thinks my review of the event is in fact too mean, and instead of allowing me the chance to edit it, the entire column has been cut. So, rather than let all my hard work, and let's face it, raw creative genius go to waste, I figured I would at the very least post it here. The column in its entirety is below. Am I too mean? What do you think?
The Flapper in the Flats
So I went to the Q Center Gala recently, which was a fun event, but really a fashion quagmire for yours truly. To give context let’s start off with the requested dress code: “Black Tie or Themed Attire encouraged.” Now, right off the bat this night was going to be a bit zany fashion wise because you’re basically separating the gays into two distinct camps (and for many attendees camp was their themed attire): First you have the buttoned up chic gays who plotz at the rare opportunity to actually get dressed up in this town, and then you have the over the top gays who plotz at the semi-frequent opportunity to don hoop skirts, wigs, fur with faces on it, and liberally applied rouge. You can probably infer from my tone here that I fall into the former category, not the latter.
That said, it would be unfair to judge or make fun of the people who really went for the themed attire. Such as the lovely men (at least I think they were men) who looked like courtesans from Versailles, or Gula Delgatto who did drag with just the right amount of overdone lipstick and hair. And of course there’s Darcelle, who defies categorization, so I won’t even try. They all really went for it, and even though it’s not my cup of tea, if you’re going to do it, do it, and they did. So bravo.
Now let’s talk about the ones who tried to go there, and clearly ran out of gas on the journey. The worst to me was a lovely little lady who had the idea to be a flapper for the evening. She wore a fun, yet bizarre, sequined headband with a feather attached and a cute’ish red tiered fringe dress. Ok, I get it thus far, but then I got to her shoes. Flats! Boring, old black flats. I mean come on! What flapper worth their Charleston ever wore flats? Then there were all the gentleman who wore tuxedos, and then adorned their lapels with egregious amounts of tacky faux jeweled brooches. To me it was very neither here nor there. If you’re going to do black tie, stick with it. If you want to be themed, go themed. Don’t try to ride the fence because you’ll just be stuck in fashion no-man’s land.
Even in the safe haven of Black Tie land, there were still several faux-pas’ to be found, like the lady in a really cute black lace dress that had a very open back. The look worked until she turned around and it was bra straps everywhere. How much of a no brainer is this one? Backless = strapless. At the very least do a dry run. I mean, this is a gay event, she has to know at least one queer who will tell it like it is. There were also several women who were misguided into believing they could pull off a strapless gown. Look, I love children as much as the next person, but when you’ve had a few and that child rearing has caused your once perky bosoms to turn into sad, semi-deflated balloons, you should really be able to call a spade a spade and give up on the strapless dream.
And of course this being Portland, there were the de rigeur assortment of people who attempted neither the black tie nor the themed attire and just showed up in whatever wrinkled clothing they woke up in that morning. I would reprimand them, and believe me I’d like to, but I’m almost at 800 words, and I could expend at least that amount on those people.
There was one absolute gem of perfection in attendance at the gala. A lovely woman with a chic bob, off the shoulder satin cocktail dress with an A-line skirt hemmed to the perfect tea length and ultra chic stilettos. This lady not only knew how to get dressed, but she also knew what worked for her body. And just when I thought she couldn’t get any better, I witnessed her sit down on a chaise, effortlessly twirling her skirt out immaculately so it would settle, unwrinkled, like a dollop of meringue. The best part was when her partner lovingly held her hand and I realized this was one chic lesbian!
Overall I’d say the black tie’s and themed attire’s blended pretty well though. Of course none so well as our own Mayor, Sam Adams. After his speech I noticed he had some glitter on his face and lapel. I asked Amy, his handler, if that’s a common occurrence to which she replied “Whenever Sam goes to gay events, he always ends up covered in glitter.” Maybe that should be next year’s theme: Black Tie Covered In Glitter.
If you’ve had children, or in general think your bosoms may be deflated but aren’t sure and need a second opinion PLEASE ask Kevin before you commit a very bad fashion offense. kevin@thestudiopdx.com
